Lately I?ve been thinking about the amount of work that goes into maintaining friendships. I tend to be the one in a relationship who organizes the get-togethers, sends the ?how you doing?? emails when I haven?t talked to someone in a while, makes the random phone calls, remembers the birthdays, and just generally tries harder to keep relationships afloat. The truth is that friendships take work, and when one person bears the brunt of that work, it?s exhausting?and might even result in insecurities and emotional upheaval.
One of my 2012 New Year?s Resolutions has been to stop being the one who puts more effort into relationships. I?ve mentioned it to a couple of people, and my friend L?s reaction was ?well crap, if all of my friends started doing what you?re doing, I?d have no friends.? That was telling to me ? L knows that she isn?t putting in the same amount of effort into maintaining her friendships. And yet she sits back and doesn?t try to change that. I?m lucky in that L and I do have an equal distribution of work/friendship, but that?s probably at least in part because we see each other every day. I?m not dumb enough to think that if one of us moved away or got transferred that we?s still be friends if I didn?t do most of the heavy lifting. These are the Friends of Convenience.
So the question becomes is it worth doing most of the heavy lifting. Certainly there are some relationships that are worth it, and I?m not going to stop. R, for example, is one of those friends who just doesn?t reach out ? she?s just not made that way. She?s shy and self-contained, and though she?s one of my best friends in the world, I know that I?ll always need to be the one initiating communication most of the time. I?ve judged that relationship as being worth the effort. Plus I know that her lack of ?effort? has nothing to do with me ? that?s how she is with everyone, and her personality is such that she just isn?t comfortable reaching out. She?s an example of a This Is Me Friend.
M and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. Say I take the initiative to call a friend and make plans to get together. The fact that I made the effort to call them and suggest a get-together is a sure sign that I miss them and want to spend time together. If they cancel and don?t try to reschedule, or if they blow me off, then is that a sign that they don?t miss me? Is that their way of telling me that they don?t value our friendship as much as I do? If they do this more than a few times, I begin internalizing and worrying about what I might have done to make them not want to get together; or I start analyzing our relationship for cracks. Ultimately, I come to the conclusion that if they were as fond of me as I am of them, they?d make the time. And there?s nothing so disheartening as accepting that you love someone more than they love you.
Another example: I have a friend who I absolutely adore and respect. I?m a better person when I?m in her company. This is someone who?s been there for me during some of the most challenging situations in the last few years. We?ve got a healthy friendship for the mostpart. However, I?m coming to realize that I care more about our friendship and her than she does about our relationship or me. I wonder if she?s great in a crisis but just not that good at being a good friend when we?re on even footing. These are people from the Crisis Friends Network.
Then there are the friends who take and take and give just enough to avoid the ?unfriend? list. Think about it: This is the friend you invite to lunch or offer to grab something for them on a regular basis. But when they go out, they never invite you. This is the person who, if they don?t know anyone but you at an event, will stick close to you. But if they know people besides you, they pretend you?ve never met. But every once in a while, they do something really insightful and considerate like bringing you soup to your house when you?re sick. Those are the Head-Shaker Friends ? because you just shake your head and wonder.
Then there are the old friends who only respond and never initiate. I have one in particular who is good about responding to emails. But he?ll never initiate them himself unless he needs something. I?m always the one who needs to suggest a get-together. I?ve tried to just sit back and wait to see if he?ll reach out to me ? maybe I just beat him to the punch. But when I do that, years go by before I hear from him, and then it?s either because he needs something from me or because I?ve broken down and sent him the ?how you doing?? message. He?s an example of the Shadow Friend ? he?s going to respond right behind you, but he occasionally shows up on his own when the world is experiencing some sort of strange phenomena.
The reality is that I have plenty of friends who put as much energy into our friendships as I do, and I value them immensely. There are some people who probably put more effort than I do. I hope if that?s the case, they will tell me so I can work on improving the effort level. It?s a struggle to be the one who puts more work in, because you wonder if it?s worth it. It?s sometimes frankly painful when the other person doesn?t recipricate. It releases insecurities and self-doubt. And the purpose of friendships is to keep a person grounded, make them feel loved and supported, and to share experiences; if the result of a friendship is insecurity, self-doubt, emotional unrest, and other negative aspects, then it might not be worth trying to maintain that relationship at all.
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This entry was posted on February 19, 2012 at 8:40 am and is filed under Friendship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Source: http://aznor99.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/types-of-friendships-that-just-might-be-too-much-work/
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